Parenting Without Stress

Could that really be true? Is it possible to be a stress-less parent? Probably not, but this book does help. It is written by Dr. Marvin Marshall and I used the companion book in my classroom Discipline Without Stress, Punishments, or Rewards. Dr. Marshall's philosophy is to teach children to be independent self-managers who know the difference between right and wrong. Not to simply raise children who perform well for a prize or reward. Isn't this what we all want? Children who make the right choices based on morals and "Doing the Right Thing?" I know that is what I want for my own kiddos. I have to admit that teaching kids to make the right choices by following this system is my absolute favorite subject to teach. I would teach morality all day long if I could. :) Unfortunately, I did not teach at a private school so I was not able to incorporate my faith into any of this teaching but it all coincides so nicely with the Christian faith.

There are three main components to the program: Positivity, Choice/Questioning and the Behavior Levels. All three of these remind children to be responsible for their behavior and reflect on what level they are performing on. The levels are A: Acting out of Control and this is anything that is dangerous or hurtful to others, B:Bullying, bossying, or bothering, C:Cooperation- this is considered a good behavioral level but not the best. On level C children do what they are asked to do by an adult, because someone is watching them or they know they will receive some type of reward. This is the height of most behavioral systems in America. Level D is the highest form or self control and moral thinking. D stands for "Doing the Right Thing". On level D children do what they are supposed to do without being asked by an adult or without anyone watching. They simply make good choices because they know it is the right thing. This may also be going out of their way to do something nice for someone else just to make them happy. We often talk about the internal rewards that they receive by operating on level D "it feels good in my heart". Children shine when they can treat each other with love and respect just because it feels good to help others.

Whew that was a long winded explanation of the program. I could talk for hours about it because I love it so much. I am now teaching this program to my 3 and 4 year old girls. Each night we discuss a different behavior level, read a book to go with it, then draw pictures of what that behavior looks like. Yes I am a total teacher so I hung the pictures on the wall in our playroom, but you don't have to do that. :) You could make a book for them to refer back to or some other fun and creative way to keep these little reminders.

The books that accompany them are Level A: Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse by: Kevin Henkes

Level B: A Weekend With Wendell by: Kevin Henkes

A Bad Case of the Stripes by: David Shannon

The Recess Queen by: Alexis O'Neill

 

Level C: The Little Red Hen






Level D: There are oh so many and I read them often to remind them of what level D looks like

"Jamaica's Find"
"Ella the Elegant Elephant"
"Clever Jack Takes the Cake"
Or any other book where the characters show love, kindness and respect to one another. 

Here are some DWS posters that I made. They have the behavior level, examples of that behavior and an icon to remind the child. You can also sit down with your kiddos and have them come up with more behaviors that would fit in each level.  To download them for free visit my Teachers Pay Teachers site here.

 

 

 

 

Teaching Kids to Pray

One  of the most valuable lessons we can teach our kids is how to pray. I believe it is an area we all need extra help with and kind of fall short on teaching. Don't get me wrong we do great job of teaching the "Now I lay Me Down To Sleep" prayers and "pray for Grandma prayers" or Grace before meals, but I mean real connecting with God prayers. One of my main goals as a mom is to teach my kids how to discern God's will in their life. Now if you asked me five years ago to discern something I would have had NO idea what you were talking about. To discern is to prayerfully make decisions based on God's will for your life. Discernment is not easy, in fact it can be very difficult.  Teaching my children to follow God in this way  is a challenge I am ready to take on.  In our culture kids are taught that they can be anything they want to be, go anywhere they want to go, do whatever they want to do, etc.... But I disagree. We can do anything that God wants us to do. If it is in His divine plan for us then we are unstoppable and our job is to follow Him closely enough to understand His plan. As parents we need to teach our children to be the person that God has designed them to be by knowing Him personally and following Him.

I am an extremely discerning person. I believe that God is everywhere in my life and wants to be  part of every decision I make, from the large decisions like "where to work" or "how many kids to have" to the small choices like "what should I wear today?" or "What should we do today?" Now I know that may sound silly, but I truly believe He cares about each of us that much. I also believe that nothing happens out of chance it is all part of God directing our lives. He doesn't typically give us big signs but little nudges here and there. For instance, my God moment from yesterday.....  I really need a nursing cover for the new baby. I wanted to get a good one but I am crazy cheap and could not bring myself to pay $30 for one. I looked several different times at stores and online and just kept chickening out. I felt this icky feeling in the pit of my stomach saying that I shouldn't buy it. The very next day I got an email from a friend with a free coupon for a high quality nursing cover. Coincidence? I don't think so! I think I followed God's will in that little insignificant matter. Yes He cares about the little insignificant things.

So back to teaching our kids. Ella my four year old asks me often "How do I know if God is talking to me?" or "Does God talk to me too?" The answer is yes He absolutely talks to her because some of the things she says are entireley to spiritually profound for a four year old to create on her own.  There are three main ways that God speaks to us and it is typically not a big loud booming voice like on TV.

1. God speaks through scripture- You may read the same bible verse for the 10th time but it will have a diferent meaning for you in that exact moment. This is God using His own words to direct your life. Scripture is our own personal love letter from God! Read it!

2. God speaks through our friends- In any type of serious decision of discernemnt you should always consult a spiritual director or spiritual friend. For some reason we can hear God better when the message is intended for someone else. :) Friends can be a great way to validate a feeling of discernment. It is also helpful to have others pray with you. Does this mean that all advice you get from friends is directly from God? Absolutely not! Consult people you trust and who have a strong faith. Even priests, religious and the Pope have spiritual directors that they discern with.

3. God also speaks through that still small voice in our hearts. It may be an idea that pops into your head or a little whisper in your soul. I think we were trained to believe that we are just that brilliant and all of these ideas are our own. I believe those come from God. Another silly example: I lost a maternity shirt that I only wore once. I needed this shirt because before too long it won't fit anymore. I looked everywhere for it. Then one day I really wanted to wear it and suddenly I saw in my mind's eye that it was at the bottom of a laundry hamper that was full of clothes to be given to Goodwill.  I believe God directed me there. I couldn't have suddenly figured that out on my own. I am not that smart. :)

These are hard concepts for adults to learn and will be difficult for kids too.  I think the way that we can teach these most effectively is by modeling them. Each time we feel God has given us a sign or helped with a a decision just say it out loud so your kids can hear. With the shirt example I might just say "Wow thanks God for showing me where my shirt was". Then Ella might ask "How did he show you?" That gives me a chance to share a bit with her about how I communicate with God. Also point it out if you notice God speaking through your children. If your child says something very profound or loving you can say something like "Wow that was so thoughtful. I think God gave you that idea" or "Wow you must have been listening to God when you said that". It will open up the doors to discuss what it means to listen to Him. In order to effectively discern the large decisions we must first be in tune with God on the small decisions. The more practice that we have the easier it will be to discern His will from our own.

Also, when your child is in the moment and needs discernment, stop with them and pray. Teach them by modeling in your own prayer to ask for God's help. If they are trying to make a decision, lost something special, having an argument with a friend or family member, etc. show them that they can lean on God for support.  Being a teacher in a public school I was never able to share this beautiful gift with my students and it drove me crazy. Can you imagine the climate of a classroom or family if we prayed during our arguments and problems instead of fighting back?

The other important part of discernment is knowing your feelings and how things affect them. When a message or feeling is from God you will feel a sense of peace and calm in your heart. If a message is not from God or is not right in this situation you will feel uneasy, angry, sad, possibly even a bit nauseous.

I am by no means a spiritual director so, if you want more information on Discernment check out St. Ignatius of Loyola. He pretty much wrote the book on the subject. I did a bible study with him a few years ago and it was great. The title of the book that we used was "What's Your Decision?" It is an easy read and explains discernment in a way that anyone can understand. If you are interested  you can buy it here. There are many other St. Ignatius discernment books well that you can choose from.

Happy Discerning!!!

Have you Filled a Bucket Today?

Another component that I love to incorporate in my classroom and now with my family is the book Have you Filled a Bucket Today?  The premise of this book is that everyone in the world, even your family pet, has in invisible bucket that they carry around with them each day. As friends we can either fill that persons buckets by helping them, saying nice things or just being a kind person. We can also dip into their buckets by being hurtful or mean.  Now here is the kicker... It explains that if you fill a bucket then it fills your bucket too. Being kind to others make you feel good too. On the flip side dipping into a bucket dips into your own bucket as well. The kids learn if I hurt someone it hurts me too. They quickly realize that it is not worth it to hurt others. They begin to go out of their way to help others because it feels so good for them.

With my little ones at home we have a family bucket. We each have our own colors of pom-poms and we are working together as a family to fill it. Anytime someone feels that their bucket has been filled by another family member then they can tell the other person to put a pom-pom in the bucket. Our goal is to fill the bucket so that we can celebrate together as a family at the Austin Children's Museum. The kids love this!!! It keeps the household much  more positive and loving. Now don't get me wrong siblings are the WORST bucket dippers I know. For some reason it is so much easier to be mean to your sister or brother than a friend at school, but we are getting better.



The girls received a present with the book, the bucket and a letter from Mr. Happy the bucket. Mr. Happy explianed to them that he needs them to be bucket fillers and taught them how to help one another. 

There is one more a-ha in this simple children's book. It explains that kids who have empty buckets are often the bucket dippers. Which means bullies act in that way because they feel awful about themselves. This idea often stopped me in my tracks as a teacher. When I read this for the first time last year I had just gotten on to a child in my class for not walking down the hall correctly. After I read the book he raised his hand and said "Mrs. Copeland my bucket is empty". It broke my heart because I knew that I had emptied it. Why would he want to do nice things for me and follow directions if his bucket was empty? It was a great reminder for me to treat kiddos the way that I want to be treated as well and to remember to be a bucket filler with everyone around me kids and adults alike. (Especially our husbands yikes!!)

There are also adult versions of this concept and more children's books that you can continue to read. I like to read them periodically. It is a good reminder for them and for me too!

Did Pete Cry? Goodness No!!!

Another activity that I just LOVE to do with young children is to read the book Pete the Cat. Pete is fabulous in so many ways. He is a groovy little "hipster" cat that has all sorts of rhythm and positivity. He teaches kids to not let things bother them when they go wrong. It is also quite humorous for the adult reader. His first book is about his favorite white shoes. He loves these white shoes but then he steps in something and they get dirty. "Does Pete cry? Goodness No!!!" all the kids yell it together. This continues throughout the story until the end where it gives the moral of the story "No matter what ya step in.... Keep walkin' along and singing your song" I always giggle on that part thinking about what you could step in on a really bad day. :) There are now sequels to the story. He has a book about going to school for the first time and a new one called "My Four Groovy Buttons". I especially love this one because it kind of has a little rap beat to it. I like the ghetto flava! It also shows kids that material items won't make you happy and to not worry too much about them. For each book their is a free download with the song that accompanies the book. 

Click on these links to check out a bit of each book along with their very grooovvy songs


Four Groovy Buttons

Rocking My School Shoes

Pete The Cat

There is also a little plush Pete the Cat doll and some fun activities to do with him. It serves as a great reminder for kiddos of how to react when things go wrong or they are not happy about something. Our first graders used to sing "I love to Clean Up" whenever they had to clean because they didn't want to clean but they wanted to be like Pete. I also always wanted to have a little take home Pete journal where the kids could write about ways that they overcame some kind of adversity. Could be as small as I lost my favorite toy to as big as a family problem that they didn't let bother them. Small kids could draw pictures about these types of things as well.
Isn't Pete Great? Who wouldn't love a groovy little optimistic cat?!